Subscribe!G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1983)
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First episode title: The Cobra Strikes How familiar with the show am I?: I'm mostly aware of the G.I. Joe franchise through its crossovers with Transformers, and little else. We've seen a few of Hasbro's toy-promoting TV shows already in Debutniverse, but this is where it all started. G.I. Joe had been the ubiquitous American action figure since the 60s, but in the 80s Hasbro decided to reinvent the concept as a whole team of soldiers fighting against a terrorist organisation called Cobra. It was so successful, the cartoon-and-toyline setup became their standard business model for a long time afterwards!
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He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble! G.I. Joe is there!
(G.I. Joe!) A real American hero! G.I. Joe is there!
I suppose "he" is being used generically in this theme song, and there is also a spoken part explaining that G.I. Joe is actually the name of a special force formed to fight against Cobra. It's all very American and very cheesy.
We open the episode on a group of fighter jets landing at a military base. A trio of soldiers are standing watching - a blonde guy, a black guy with a moustache, and one very distinctive soldier dressed from head to toe in a blue outfit that even covers his face. The first two are commenting on how impressive these "Skystriker" jets are, when the third guy looks behind himself silently and suddenly ducks - the other two just about get down in time to avoid being hit by another one of the jets.
Blonde man declares he wants to "kick the mustard out of that crazy hot dog", a phrase we all know and love, and the three head towards the landed plane to investigate. Quite problematically, blonde guy shouts to the pilot that they have a future as a mental patient. Then the plane opens and the pilot removes their helmet, and we are probably meant to be quite surprised that it's a woman, with long red hair. She refers to blondie as Duke and their demeanour towards each other seems to become warmer as he helps her down from the pilot's seat, although when she says she missed him (as in, it's been a while since they last met) he does still make a joke about how close she came to hitting him.
Then there's an air raid siren sound in the background, and another group of jets dive towards the base. But the pilot leading this team is a man with an eyepatch called Major Bludd, and he yells "Attack, Cobra!" before the planes start launching missiles at the base! Even though we don't see anyone get hurt on screen, the scene is full of carnage as parked planes and buildings get blown up, and it's hard to imagine no soldiers died in this attack. Soldiers obviously scramble to return fire, and Duke and his redhead friend dive behind some crates, his arms around her.
Duke realises Cobra are after the Skystrikers, and somehow comes to the conclusion that that means they should fight back using the Skystrikers, he and the redhead getting into one together. It works, though - just lifting off and dodging enemy fire is enough to trick a couple of Cobra jets into crashing to the ground in fiery explosions. Again, no on-screen casualties, but this is one of the more violent cartoons I've covered so far, especially discounting any more comical ones. The Skystrikers start firing lasers, obviously outmatching the Cobra jets' missiles, and the remaining Cobra jets flee. When Bludd orders "return to base", it's now more obvious that he has a shouty, exaggerated Australian accent.
The Skystriker containing Duke and his friend lands safely, but it looks like a lot of the others were still destroyed. If you hadn't already guessed, Duke seems to be the leader of G.I. Joe, as here he orders for the Joes to be on full alert for Cobra's next move.
Cut to a mountain in some dark and stormy place. A party of people are heading along a winding trail to a huge fortress, decorated with sculptures of cobras. What else would it be? Looking out from a balcony, a figure in blue says with a slight hiss "He comesss..." This is Chris Latta using a similar voice to the one he would go on to use as Starscream, other than the hiss. This is the Cobra Commander.
We see the approaching group closer - their leader is in a cloak and hood, and his companions are wearing vaguely Asian outfits and carrying all his stuff, probably intended to be Sherpas. The hooded man, whose hands appear to be visible but are a metallic grey, dramatically implores Cobra to give him a sign, and four snake sculptures outside the building come to life! The man's companions flee, leaving his belongings, and he laughs that they didn't even wait to be paid. It becomes clear that the snakes are just robotic - one says "Identification, please", opening its mouth to reveal a lot of blinking lights, and the visitor, presumably informed of the routine, inserts his hand into its mouth. It's brief, but there's an X-ray style scan of his hand and what's inside looks like mechanical parts instead of bones. This interested me a lot, because I've seen this character in other continuities and always got the impression that the metallic skin was just some kind of coating, rather than him actually having any kind of robotic parts.
The scan presumably gives Cobra what they expect, as the door opens and the man enters. Inside, a huge throne in the shape of a cobra head rotates to reveal Cobra Commander, who we can now more clearly see has a blank metal face (no features at all) beneath his blue helmet. In his hissing voice he refers to the visitor as Destro and complains about how long it took him to get here. Destro removes his cloak and hood - his hands and head are metallic, but the style of his clothing means we can see his chest and torso are human. He complains in turn about how hard it was to reach this ridiculously remote location, lampshading how cartoonishly over-the-top it all is, but Cobra Commander insists it's necessary for security, as a bunch of Cobra generics (similar outfit to their leader, but human faces with simple masks over their mouths) unpack the things Destro brought.
From the packages they take three cases. One is full of red gems, one is full of blue bubbling liquid, and one is full of a golden powder. For some reason, the wise men's gifts to Jesus came to mind for me, even though it's only really that last one that has much relation. Cobra Commander shouts for the MASS Device, and a huge machine with a big crystal on top of it rises out of the ground. Destro says that the three "elements" he has brought will combine to power this machine. Cobra Commander questions whether the machine will reach its target, and Destro reveals a homing beacon, which looks like a silver coin with the red Cobra emblem on it - he says that an identical one is being placed at the target site, and Cobra Commander is satisfied. He and Destro share an evil laugh about their future domination of the universe[!], on a stage with the Cobra emblem and intimidating pillars of flame, as the Cobra generics load the elements into the machine.
After a break, we come back to an American military base - I don't think it's meant to be the same one from before, since this one has much bigger buildings in it. In the central building, Duke is meeting with a superior named General Flagg about a task for G.I. Joe, and Flagg introduces Duke to Major Juanita Hooper, an accountant from the Pentagon who looks... well, like an accountant in military uniform, really. She is immediately on Flagg's case about whether or not he has completed all the correct forms for making use of G.I. Joe for this mission, quoting a bunch of code numbers that leave Duke baffled. So already she doesn't seem like someone you would want to have around, and I myself was immediately hoping she was a one-off character, since that sort of thing could get irritating.
They walk to a silo that Flagg explains is concealing a top-secret satellite that has to be kept safe until it's launched the next day. Duke immediately figures out what G.I. Joe's role is going to be - to try and break into the silo to test its defences. Hooper complains that it's a waste of resources, and it's here that she first demonstrates a habit she has of fiddling with a large ear piercing she wears. Flagg asks when they'll be able to start the test, and Duke, seemingly getting out a transceiver (it's only just in frame), says they can do it right now!
So we get to see each of the Joes we've already met in action in turn. First up is the guy wearing the full-body blue outfit. I don't think he is named in this episode (until a "next time" sequence at the end), but he's called Snake Eyes, and his gimmick is that he's a silent stealth expert, and so never has any lines. His name seems weirdly more suited to a Cobra soldier than a Joe, though. He sneaks onto the back of a truck to get into the compound and rolls behind some barrels - some soldiers with tracking dogs come past but Snake Eyes is already up a tower, and zip-lining across to another rooftop. He presses a button on his watch...
...and the signal is received by our redhead, Scarlett. She jumps out of a plane wearing a jetpack, which I feel would attract some attention if this were a real raid, and approaches the same rooftop as Snake Eyes, making all his stealth seem hilariously unnecessary. She presses the button on her own watch...
...which signals the moustached man, Stalker. He's on a military-green motorcycle, and he drives up to the entrance gate and blasts it open with a laser! So we're really not going for stealth, then? He zooms through in full view of the guards and even knocks some down as he drives up a ramp that takes him improbably high up in the air. He ditches the bike, which hits some barrels and explodes, as all good military hardware does, and lands up on the roof with the other two.
Stalker jokingly tells Scarlett "Après vous!", i.e. French for "after you", like he's trying to be a classy gentleman, and so Scarlett plays along by saying in a Southern belle voice "Why, thank you, sir!" I like that these soldier characters have such a playful relationship with each other, since it distinguishes them from the way Cobra and Destro talk to each other. Scarlett kicks down a door and the three of them drop from above down into the silo, where Duke, Flagg, and Hooper are waiting for them, Hooper having just said the Joes wouldn't make it inside, making her look like a fool. Flagg confuses Duke by saying that the Joes' success has proven that the defences are adequate, but clarifies that the lengths just three people had to go to proves that the dozens of people with heavy equipment that would be required to steal the satellite could never sneak in. Hooper suggests to Flagg that they should show the Joes the satellite to demonstrate.
So they go into the room containing it, and it really is collossal - I kind of get Flagg's point, as much as it makes that whole exercise a little pointless. It's got a big radar dish thing on it so you can definitely tell it's a satellite. Hooper, while also complaining about the cost of the satellite like she does about everything else, explains how it can redirect huge amounts of energy to anywhere on Earth. You would think there is an implicit "as long as it's on the same side of the planet that the satellite's on" there. She doesn't say it's to be used as a weapon, but Stalker comments that once it's in the sky there'll be no safe place on Earth. That is a healthy suspicion for him to have of his own superiors' judgement on how such a thing should be used.
Hooper offers to show them around it, but tells them to leave their weapons at the entrance since this isn't a combat zone, and everyone complies, presumably all outranked by the Major. While they're pre-occupied with that, Hooper fiddles with her earring again... and removes it, and attaches it to the satellite - a zoom-in reveals that it's the other Cobra homing beacon! Yes, she's a spy for the enemy, something I genuinely didn't see coming, and which in retrospect means that all her irritating behaviour has been intentional.
At Cobra headquarters, Destro receives the signal from the beacon, and needlessly explains to Cobra Commander what the invention will do, for our benefit of course. The MASS Device will lock on to all of the molecules of the satellite and beam it over to Cobra, stealing it without having to get past any of Flagg's defences! Well, except that technically Hooper had to. It's not explained how she somehow reached this position despite being a Cobra agent - perhaps there is a real Hooper somewhere that she's impersonating?
Destro presses the button to activate MASS... and the machine shakes and smoke comes out of it. Yep, it didn't work, so CC berates Destro:
Cobra Commander: You've wasted millions of hard-stolen dollars, you titanium-faced turkey!
Pot calling the kettle titanium-faced? Destro says it's something to do with the "operating temperature" and concludes that, even though he can't use the device to move the satellite, he can use it to move a Cobra team into the silo to take it by force. Cobra Commander is understandably sceptical about why it would work this time, but Destro ignores him, assembling a team of soldiers and tanks in front of the device and turning it on again. The crystal glows, and the Cobras vanish!
And over in the silo, the Joes are shocked when their enemies are teleported right in!
Bludd is leading the Cobra group once again on this mission. He and the other Cobras open fire with lasers, and the Joes rush to get their weapons - remember, Hooper made them leave those at the door! Speaking of whom, Duke tells Hooper to escape while the Joes cover her, but she chooses this moment to reveal her true nature, taking off a mask to reveal a younger woman with dark hair and putting on cool shades. She runs over to join her fellow Cobras and someone on the Joes' side exclaims "The Baroness!" So, she's apparently already a notorious opponent.
The Cobras' fire forces the Joes and Flagg out of the silo, and the doors lock. Scarlett has the idea to use the gantries that are supposed to lift the satellite into take-off position to instead tear the silo walls off, which sounds nonsensical but they achieve it anyway, basically destroying the silo but allowing them to get back in. Major Bludd seems especially shocked that they've managed it.
The two groups exchange fire and the Joes succeed in destroying the Cobra tanks. But, back in the Cobra base, Destro has somehow solved that temperature problem and prepares to transport both the satellite and the Cobra soldiers. The soldiers begin glowing on the silo side, and Baroness, who has a sort of Russian accent, gloats that she's getting away. She and Bludd are outside the range of the teleportation, so they run into it, pursued by Duke... who's teleported away with them!
That perfect cliffhanger takes us into another break, after which the teleported characters arrive at Cobra headquarters. Duke has managed to grab the Baroness and he buys himself some time by pushing her into Bludd, and then successfully fights his way through the first few Cobra grunts to rush at him, but eventually there are just too many of them and he's caught. Cobra Commander orders for Duke to be taken to the "slave pens". Just in case you didn't think these guys were going to turn out to be that evil...
I guess Cobra already had everything they needed to launch the satellite, or maybe it all came along with it - either way, Destro launches it now. We go from there to a shot of Paris, where a nondescript man puts a Cobra homing beacon... on the Eiffel Tower! And then, just as we're getting our heads around that, there's another cut to G.I. Joe headquarters, where their tech guys are trying to figure out Cobra's new powers of teleportation - their computer tells them that a scientist called Dr Vandermeer is the global expert on such technology. I think some of the characters we're seeing for the first time in this room are named characters from the toyline, but they're not really relevant here.
Suddenly, every computer screen in the place is showing an image of Cobra Commander and Destro. The guy at the computer says that Cobra have taken over every computer screen and television in the world, but I'm not sure how he's able to tell that unless his computer has a way of giving him information other than the screen.
Cobra demonstrate their new power to the world, the satellite extending the range of the MASS Device and allowing them to teleport the Eiffel Tower away, on-screen! It doesn't show us where it ends up - the Cobra fortress is big, but not bigger than the Eiffel Tower! There's a shot that amuses me, showing ordinary people seeing Cobra's message on the TVs in the window of a shop, where Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament are visible in the background of the shot but the animators also felt the need to put signs in the window of the shop that say "London TV Sale", as if every shop in London says London on it! Cobra Commander says that the leaders of the world have 24 hours to surrender, then yells "Cobra!" like it's a battle cry.
Duke wakes up with shackles on his wrists and ankles, in a camp surrounded by other prisoners. Other than him, they're all wearing rags and have headbands with flashing lights on them. He tries to ask them where he is, but they all just walk blankly along without acknowledging him, and he wonders if the headbands are doing something to their brains. Particular focus is given to a woman with dark hair and who still seems to be wearing lipstick despite the shabby clothes, who has no reaction when Duke asks her if there is anywhere he can get some water.
A gate opens, and the Baroness walks in and tells Duke there's no point speaking to any of the other slaves, as Cobra controls them all. Just as expected, then. And she tells him he'll be like that soon, once he's faced "the arena of sport", which she says as two slaves pick Duke up...
A fleet of G.I. Joe helicopters descend over some fields, to get to the farm in New England where Dr Vandermeer lives. We see him waving up to the helicopters from the ground - he has an easel and paints in front of him, perhaps to give the impression he's retired from his scientific work for a quiet life out here in the country, but amusingly he's wearing a lab coat and suit. How else would we know he's a scientist, eh? The camera zooms past him... into a forest, where concealed from the Joes' view are several generic Cobra soldiers with guns, some of their tanks, and what must be the real Dr Vandermeer tied to a tree! In case you think for a second that that explains the odd outfit, the real one has the same clothes on.
The copters land and a group of Joes exit, including Scarlett, Stalker, and Snake Eyes, and they walk over to Vandermeer.
Dr Vandermeer: Welcome to New England...
[he removes his mask]
Major Bludd: ...and to your fate!
The Cobra troops move out and open fire on the Joes. There's a lot of firing back and running for cover. Behind a pile of logs that's taking some hits, Scarlett says to Snake Eyes "Tricky little serpents, aren't they?" and the silent Snake Eyes just gives her a thumbs-up in return. I feel like that's following the letter of the silent ninja thing without following the spirit of it - a thumbs-up is hardly a mysterious ninja thing to do! Then Scarlett says "now" into a walkie-talkie and a bunch more G.I. Joe helicopters show up, firing on Cobra. We also see one of the helicopters land, so I suppose they're also depositing more troops.
Scarlett is running around this battle with a crossbow out which looks pretty silly when everyone else is using lasers. There's a bit where Bludd tries to shoot her but she dodges and the blast brings down a windmill, which Bludd in turn has to dodge. A big muscly Joe I don't know the name of takes out three Cobra grunts at once with his bare hands. Snake Eyes pushes Bludd over into a pigpen and apparently that's as much as he can take, because all the Cobra forces retreat in response!
The Joes free the real Vandermeer, who explains to them that the MASS Device was his invention which Cobra was able to extract from his brain, and that the only way to counteract it is with another of the same device. In his few lines, he has an incredibly inconsistent accent that could be from anywhere in Europe. On the way back to their headquarters by helicopter to build the device, he exposits that the three substances that power the MASS Device are extremely rare. Sounds to me like there's a fetch quest across the next few episodes, then!
We see Duke again, somewhere in the Cobra fortress, now with one of those headbands on himself and being led along by two Cobra guards. It amuses me how Duke still has his uniform on for all this, complete with a whole bunch of pocket attachments that you would assume contain various weapons and tools, but presumably Cobra have been smart enough to empty the pockets. The dark-haired slave woman sees him going past, and says to herself "I must find a way to help him!" Aha, so this is someone the mind control doesn't have the full effect on, or perhaps hasn't fully taken over yet?
Duke gets thrown into an absolutely massive arena that seems to have a full crowd - just how big is Cobra?! Cobra Commander and Destro have their own spot in the centre of the crowd, like a Roman emperor at the Colosseum, and in fact there are a couple of classical columns amongst the decoration, as well as the requisite cobra head. Duke tries to climb up to the seats to beat up CC and Destro, but Destro operates a joystick in his hand and Duke's headband glows, making him fall back down to the ground. Similarly, Destro tells Duke to bow before him, and even though it does seem like Duke somewhat resists, he is eventually forced to comply.
Cobra Commander says that it's time to bring in his champion, taking out a joystick of his own. A panel in the arena floor opens up, and a long-haired male slave in a "barbarian" outfit with spiked knuckles and lots of exposed skin emerges from the ground! Oh, and he's about twice Duke's height - is this guy even human?! The ground actually shakes as he steps towards Duke, and he smashes up the stone columns with his bare hands!
Destro boasts that Duke is now his slave, just as everyone on Earth will soon be, as the giant prepares to attack Duke... and that's our cliffhanger ending! The series opener is actually a five-part mini-series. This episode does have a "next time" trailer which I will not cover except to laugh at the fact that it talks about a Joe named Snow Job. But I am probably not the first to laugh at that name.
I really enjoyed watching this. Yes, its American-ness is striking, especially as a foreigner. But it was a story well told, and it has left me wanting to see what comes next!