COPS (1988)
First episode title: The Case of the Stuck-Up Blimp
How familiar with the show am I?: I hadn't heard of it before.
I've had a look at The Transformers and My Little Pony already, but now it's time for a more obscure Hasbro-toyline-based cartoon. COPS, or Central Organization of Police Specialists, is a group of heroes dedicated to fighting the criminals that run rampant in Empire City in the far-off futuristic year of 2020. The show was later re-run as "CyberCOPS".
Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. But in Debutniverse so far, we've encountered superheroes, magical flying ponies, and a boy who can turn into a car - I think we can suspend our disbelief enough to imagine a world where cops can be good guys.
Just for a moment I'd like to skip right to the end credits. No, I've not lost my mind - this particular show happens to have a convenient role call of the COPS and their regular adversaries in the end credits, which is very useful for someone like me who's going into it almost blind. Perhaps Hasbro learned their lesson from Transformers and My Little Pony, and decided to make a show where it's easier to remember who's who (and therefore which toys to buy).
Still, since they've given me the list, I might as well go through the characters I'm presented with and see what I can tell. I'll note which ones are in the episode, as there are more that aren't in the episode than are.
- COPS:
Highway, a guy on a motorcycle wearing a quite typical police outfit
Mainframe, a woman in what I'd call an engineer outfit, who's also seen driving some sort of vehicle but it's not clear what due to the view the brief clip gives us
Longarm (in the episode), another average-cop-looking guy who's seen swinging from a grappling gadget we'll see more of in the episode
Bowser and Blitz, a moustached man in armour and his robotic canine companion
Sundown, a literal cowboy cop
Hardtop (in the episode), and it's a good thing he is in the episode, because the given clip just shows him talking while wearing a tuxedo
Mirage, an ordinary-looking female cop who we see parachuting down from somewhere
Bullseye (in the episode), a guy in a kind of space-jumpsuit type of get-up who's at the controls of another large vehicle
Mace (in the episode), a big guy in a cap who's shown swinging down on a rope
Barricade, a guy in a helmet who's equipped with a battering ram
Bulletproof (in the episode), the trenchcoat-wearing leader of the COPS
- Criminals:
Berserko (in the episode), a guy with a big-collared open jacket, who's shown falling backwards off his chair - again, good thing he's in the episode!
Rock Krusher (in the episode), a guy in a prison uniform that's shown drilling his way into a vault
Ms Demeanour, an elegant-looking older woman
Turbo Tu-Tone (in the episode), a beardy guy who happens to be driving an ambulance in the clip
Dr Badvibes, whose green skin and exposed brain, combined with his name, suggest he's a mash-up of Frankenstein and his monster
Nightshade, a female cat-burglar-type who's shown sneaking into somewhere
For some reason, the sequence doesn't call out the villains' leader, Big Boss, although he's visible in the clips.
Anyway, back to the start - the opening sequence introduces us to the shows' catchphrases, "Fighting crime in a future time" and "It's crimefighting time!", and shows us the futuristic world it's set in. It's immediately apparent that the animation quality is better than the other Hasbro shows I've looked at.
The episode starts by showing a case file with the episode's title on it, as Bulletproof narrates, telling us that this particular crime was "unusually daring" - so either the other episodes will be comparatively boring in comparison, or perhaps they just don't make episodes about the more mundane crimes!
The photo of the blimp in the case file neatly transitions into a TV news report about it. The blimp - which I must say looks more like a solid metal airship than the more balloon-like structures I'd associate with the word - is evidently hosting a fundraiser party that's going to be attended by all sorts of rich celebrities. We also establish the news reporter's name, Whitney Morgan - we'll be seeing more of her soon.
But first, we meet Big Boss and the other bad guys, who have all just been watching the same report we were.
Big Boss has the outfit of the Kingpin, the metal hand of Dr Claw, and like any good criminal mastermind he's stroking some manner of furry creature. He also talks in an Edward G Robinson impression - you know, like Chief Wiggum.
Speaking of voices, the assembled minions - Berserko, Turbo Tu-Tone, and Rock Krusher - all have typical cartoon idiot voices. They all look as tough and cool as you'd expect of a bunch of action figures, though - it makes me feel like the cartoon's creators must have been stuck between "needing to sell the toys" and "not wanting to glorify street thugs", and settled on making them all sound as stupid as possible.
Between them, they repeat the plan that Big Boss has clearly drilled into their heads - Krusher and Berserko will be on the blimp, attacking the party-goers and stealing their stuff, and Turbo Tu-Tone will be ready in a helicopter to go up there and collect his fellow criminals and the stuff they've stolen, once Krusher has cut the blimp loose of its moorings. Big Boss, with all the air of someone who's going to gloatingly point out a critical mistake, says that they've forgotten to mention they'll need to wear tuxedos. I suppose this is why he gets to be in charge.
So we cut to the tuxedo shop. I'm a bit confused by the shop sign, which makes it look like the place is called "TUX UBII" - maybe I'm just not reading it right. Hardtop, in his COPS uniform, exits the shop, carrying a suit. The shopkeeper, a vaguely camp man with a moustache, chases after him to hand him a top hat to go with it.
Then Hardtop loads his suit into his futuristic police vehicle thing, while commenting to himself that he's at risk of being late to the fundraiser. Yup, some of the COPS are going to be going too, by complete coincidence!
Berserko and Turbo Tu-Tone then strut across the road and into the shop, and Hardtop seems to recognise them - he types something into a computer in his vehicle, activating a "Suspect Identification" program. It flashes up a few Identikit-style images until it gets a match for both faces, displaying their names. Literally the names "Berserko" and "Turbo Tu-Tone" - I love that that's what they're on file as.
On cue, an alarm goes off, and the two crooks run out of the tux shop carrying suits and wearing hats. Man, they can't even just go into a place and buy something - they steal suits on the way to stealing other things!
Berserko: We'll be the best-dressed crooks in Empire City! Hahahahaha!
Empire City sounds like it's meant to be a stand-in for NYC, right? Anyway, Hardtop shouts that they're under arrest, but they run off into an alleyway - he chases after them to find that they're climbing a fire escape, which he doesn't seem to like. He follows them up there, but encounters some difficulty:
You see, Hardtop is scared of heights. When he looks down it's shown to us from his POV, with a dizzy blurring effect, and he has to remind himself not to do so. I don't know whether they had any mandate to have each episode deal with a problem the child audience would be able to relate to, but this fear of heights certainly plays that role here.
The baddies reach the roof of the building, Turbo complaining how unlucky they were to rob a shop right after a cop had been there. Not having any other place to just walk to, Turbo grabs an entire gutter from the edge of the roof and places it across the gap from this building to the one across the road, creating an incredibly precarious way across.
Turbo starts edging his way carefully along it, but Berserko blunders right onto it and starts inadvertently shaking the whole thing, making Turbo lose his balance too. In the end, they both end up sliding along while holding onto it above their heads, crashing into the building and falling down to the topmost balcony. Well, having them fall all the way to the ground would be an unsatisfying way to kill them off.
Hardtop has finally reached the roof now, but is hit by another burst of his fear, looking down at the gutter. To be fair, I don't think you need a fear of heights for that one to be scary. He starts to make his way along it but ends up just clinging to it in fear, while Berserko taunts him from the balcony, calling him "Rubber-Legs". The two criminals get away by smashing a nearby window, and we leave Hardtop still glued to the gutter.
Now we cut to what must be COPS headquarters. There's a very quick cameo by Bowser and Blitz, the man-and-robot-dog pair - they've got another big muscly guy in handcuffs, and Blitz has clearly taken a bite out of the man's trousers. As the camera pans, we see Longarm, Bullseye, and Mace, as well as some generics. Longarm is using a computer, and the other two are standing behind him. What could he be working on?
COPS leader Bulletproof walks out of what must be his own office door, in a bright cyan tuxedo, and then we get to see what Longarm is doing on the computer - jerking a joystick around, playing a game that looks a hell of a lot like Breakout. Bulletproof clears his throat to speak, and those three quickly turn their attention away from the computer!
Bulletproof asks where Hardtop is, as they're going to be late for the dinner - yes, apparently it's just those two going. So Bulletproof is going because he's the boss, but what's Hardtop's qualification?
Longarm: He'll show up, sir. Hardtop'd never miss a chance to meet his, heh, dream girl.
Bullseye can't quite remember the name of the woman Longarm is talking about, but that moment happens to be when Hardtop finally walks in (how'd he get down from the gutter?), fully suited up, and clarifying for us that it's Whitney Morgan, the reporter we saw earlier. Mace joins in the taunting, saying that she goes for "big tough cops", and Hardtop dejectedly says that he wouldn't qualify - aww, now I'm really feeling sorry for the guy.
Next, a helicopter labelled "Crimson Caterers", with a superhero design on the logo. It's clear that the criminals have hijacked the vehicle that was going to be providing the catering staff for the party, and Berserko is commenting that he likes this new plan better, as he, Krusher, and a couple of generic minions change into waiter uniforms, with the real waiters tied up beside them. That's right, the whole tux thing ended up not mattering anyway!
Turbo isn't changing, because he's driving the helicopter - remember, that part was already in the plan. So they already planned to steal the catering helicopter, but the thought of stealing the waiter's clothes didn't come about until later! The vehicle speeds off towards the moored blimp.
Meanwhile, Bulletproof, Hardtop, and a bunch of other smartly-dressed guests are all in a lift taking them up to the blimp. The lift has floor-to-ceiling windows, and Hardtop is shivering with fear as he avoids looking outside - Bulletproof clocks what's going on and lets Hardtop know he doesn't have to get on the blimp if he doesn't want to, but Hardtop insists that he's fine. We get a good look at the docking mechanism that the lift uses to attach to the blimp, which will become important later on.
But for now, the party is in progress. Berserko the "waiter" is walking around with a tray of food, and he already has his eye on everything he could steal from the guests - his eyes focus on one woman's diamond necklace, and someone else's wallet full of cash. He's so excited that he runs off without even noticing he's spilling sandwiches from his tray!
This is when Whitney Morgan shows up. She's accompanied by a few robotic companions that look as if they must act as her camera, her mic and lights, and her make-up artist. She spots Bulletproof from a distance as he's talking to a couple of other guests, and rudely butts in to interview him!
She already knows that he's Baldwin P. Vess, codenamed Bulletproof, and he's annoyed by her directness and by her machines bothering him, the boom mic getting in his face and the make-up robot powdering him against his will. She wants to know if something's going on at this party, and he insists that he's not here on COPS business. He does promise to tell her if anything does happen, though, which seems like more than she deserves!
Hardtop is standing dejectedly at the side of the room, and as Whitney walks past him, he visibly can't bring himself to talk to her, instead just sighing and admiring her. She's heading towards Rock Krusher, who, in his waiter's outfit, hasn't removed his little prison hat thing! For some reason, Whitney asks him "what exactly are these things?" about the sandwiches he's carrying. I could understand asking what's in them, but her wording makes it sound like she's never seen a sandwich before!
Krusher responds aggressively and storms off, and Hardtop gets offended on Whitney's behalf, grabbing Krusher's arm:
Hardtop: Maybe you didn't understand - the lady wants to know what you're serving.
Rock Krusher: Me? I ain't serving nothing. I'm out on parole, see?
As Krusher walks off, Hardtop seems genuinely confused about what he said! Come on, man, put the pieces together! But then Whitney realises that she saw Hardtop come in with Bulletproof and that he must be one of the COPS.
She's just about to try and convince him to spill some details about what's going on here - not that he knows anything - when Beamer, the camera robot, scoots over to tell her that he's sorted an interview with "Nathan Kelly, the shipping tycoon", and this excites her enough to go off with him! She promises to talk to Hardtop again later, but he still sighs with longing as she walks away.
The next thing we see is Berserko, casually eating food off his own tray as he strides through the crowd, not quite looking where he's going - similarly, Whitney is waving to Hardtop behind her as she walks forwards, so it's no surprise that the two of them collide. The food flies off the plate and Berserko gets enraged, grabbing the reporter by the arm. For the first time, the party crowd have noticed that something is up, so there are a lot of stunned onlookers to their confrontation.
Hardtop: Something's fishy around here, Chief, and it's not the caviar.
Hardtop and Bulletproof start to march towards Berserko, and he must realise he's given himself away. He discards the tray completely and rushes into the kitchen, where a man in a smart outfit is working on what seems to be a very tall cake in the shape of a tower - maybe it's based on one of Empire City's skyscrapers? Berserko ends up knocking the man over, and the two cops rush in after Berserko, so he starts shooting at them.
The cops dive behind a table, Hardtop lamenting that they haven't brought their guns. No no Hardtop, it's good that you didn't bring guns to a party. Keep doing that, please.
Anyway, they're able to improvise. First, Bulletproof takes a pan from a rack and throws it at Berserko - then, while he's distracted by that, Hardtop pushes the huge cake right at him! Berserko ends up on the ground, covered in too much cake to get up! What a delicious way to be defeated.
But then, Rock Krusher and a couple of the other crooks come in, pointing guns at the cops. Outnumbered and weaponless, Bulletproof and Hardtop follow Krusher's order to stand up against the wall, as Berserko (the other crooks are cleaning the cake off him) recognises Hardtop, calling him "Rubber-Legs" again.
Krusher ties up the cops' hands and throws them into a large freezer, telling them to "chill out". Clever for a guy like him. He's also started to call Hardtop "Rubber-Legs", presumably because Berserko has since explained to him what happened, although now I'm amusing myself imagining that he just heard Berserko call him that and thinks that's his name now.
After an ad break, the criminals are gathered in a circle - Berserko starts to tell them what they should all do next, but is hampered by not knowing what any of them should be doing. Why does he get treated as if he's in charge, exactly? Krusher comes to his aid, suggesting that Berserko should send a signal to Turbo and then destroy the ship's radio, Krusher will cut the blimp's ropes, and the other guys should rob all the passengers. You know, just like they planned!
Krusher also asks Berserko to make him up a doggy bag of those little sandwiches. This little aside is going to crop up again more often than you'd think.
Back to the freezer, and Bulletproof manages to tear the ropes binding his hands:
Now, my thought on watching this scene was that Bulletproof is absurdly strong to be able to manage that, even with great effort. But it's funny the things you can miss when you're only watching one episode without any further context...
I do try not to learn too much about these shows before writing these posts, so that my comments don't get influenced by learning more about the show, but sometimes I find it necessary to check online sources just for minor things like making sure I'm spelling character names correctly - I wouldn't have guessed "Rock Krusher" independently! And in this instance, I happen to have learned from a character list for the show that Bulletproof has a cyborg body. It's not even hinted at in dialogue in this episode, but look at the gif above if you can - the animators made sure to have the metal parts of his torso visible in these shots, as if to illustrate why the scene makes sense! It's subtle enough to have gone over my head completely.
Having freed himself, Bulletproof unties Hardtop. Hardtop blames himself for not realising why the criminals were stealing tuxedos earlier. What, is there only one fancy event happening in the city at any one time? Now Bulletproof uses his radio to call HQ for backup - Longarm, Bullseye, and Mace receive the call and head out, Mace turning to the camera to tell us "It's crimefighting time!" They leave the office in a helicopter that exits through a part of the roof that slides out of the way.
Bulletproof and Hardtop are free of the ropes, but the freezer door is locked, and they're getting pretty cold. Bulletproof is figuring out the exact place on the door he'll need to place a kind of mine or bomb that he refers to as an "M98", which doesn't seem to be a real-life piece of equipment.
Hardtop: Do it before my ears freeze off! Uh, sir.
A small explosion punches a perfectly circular hole in the door, which proceeds to swing open. The pair are now back in the kitchen. Hardtop sees that the cake decorator from earlier is now tied up, so he goes to help him, while Bulletproof looks through the window into the main room of the party - as per the plan, a bunch of the generic bad guys have various guests at gunpoint and are making them give up their valuables. I think this is the most of these unnamed guys that have been in one shot so far - I count five. They're multiplying!
Rock Krusher is on the outside of the blimp, using a pneumatic drill on one of the four tethers, and having the time of his life. The tether breaks, and the effect inside the blimp is immediate, with people falling over and screaming. Berserko, presumably finished with the whole radio thing, is taking the opportunity to slip some of those sandwiches into a loot bag. Remember, for Krusher?
Bulletproof contacts the reinforcements, who are already on the lift up to the blimp, to let them know what's going on with the blimp's moorings. Then he and Hardtop step onto the outside of the blimp - Bulletproof says he'll stop Krusher, and Hardtop will need to help the others onto the blimp now that it's out of line with the lift platform. But being out here in the open, the whole city in view beneath them, is setting off Hardtop's fear again. Man, it really is a bad coincidence that he's the one that was picked for this event.
Back in the main room, Whitney and her robots are somehow allowed to walk around freely.
Whitney: Excuse me - Whitney Morgan, Empire City News.
Berserko: [gets out two guns] Can't you see I'm busy, lady?!
OK that's hilarious. And if it seems like the bad guys don't have their priorities straight by letting her just walk around, Whitney herself doesn't either, as she just wants to ask him why he has bothered to steal sandwiches as well as the valuables.
He says they're for Krusher, and speaking of which, we catch up with him where he's working on the next tether. Bulletproof sneaks up on him and throws another of his mines. One of these was able to put a hole through a metal door earlier, but this one just seems to stun Krusher's leg for a second - maybe it's not an M98, and Bulletproof just has a whole bunch of different grades of explosives stowed away in there! Anyway, it causes Krusher to drop his drill off the blimp, and distracts him enough for Bulletproof to be able to punch him in the face!
He's not knocked out, though, and they start to tussle. Then the tether that Krusher had been working on comes loose - I suppose he had done enough damage to it already - and this distracts Bulletproof enough for Krusher to throw him off the blimp! Bulletproof is able to grab on to a rope on the side, but it's clearly not one designed to take the weight of a person - several support brackets snap, and he's left precariously hanging off a balcony.
Turbo arrives, still piloting the catering helicopter, at the same time that the lift containing Longarm, Bullseye, and Mace opens up. Turbo sees them, and reckons he needs to get his partners in crime off the blimp before the extra COPS forces can turn the tide. I'm tempted to say he's the smartest of the goons we see in this episode.
Meanwhile, Berserko sees the helicopter out the window and prepares to leave with the loot, but Whitney tries to stop him for an interview - really? Now? Berserko threatens Whitney, and ends up throwing Beamer the camera robot out the window, smashing it - the robot falls right past Bulletproof, who happened to be hanging outside that same window!
Whitney is annoyed because it will take "weeks" to fix Beamer, as if her own life isn't at stake right now. What's interesting to me is that Berserko responds to her annoyance with the Japanese "akanbe" gesture, where you pull down one lower eyelid and stick your tongue out, in order to taunt someone. You tend to see this in anime, but not Western cartoons. I'm wondering if maybe the script just directed for him to stick his tongue out, and if the animation was done in Japan then they might have taken it to mean akanbe.
Anyway, the new hole in the window gives Bulletproof a way to climb in. Unfortunately, he's not doing too well at this point - he starts to yell "Berserko, you're under arrest", but just collapses in front of him. You'd think it would be a big mistake for him to draw Berserko's attention, but evidently he's in too much of a hurry to finish Bulletproof off - instead, Berserko picks up Whitney and runs off with her.
Hardtop is now at the spot where the blimp is supposed to meet the lift, with Longarm and the others across from him, and a whole lot of nothing below them all. Hardtop is once again in a situation that would be pretty terrifying even for someone that isn't scared of heights - the connectors on both sides are just suspended out in the air, and he's going to have to bring them together. Making things worse, Krusher succeeds in cutting off another one of the tethers (using a saw this time), so they're now on their last chance.
With Longarm yelling at him to snap out of it, Hardtop falls down on to the connector, but manages to hang on to it. Trembling with fear, he reaches for the other connector, but can't quite bring them together.
Now, remember all the way back in that character list, I said we saw Longarm using some kind of grappling thing? Well, in this scene, Mace has to prompt Longarm to "use your power cuffs", and he fires that same thing across the gap from a device on his arm to help create a connection. Given his name and its usage in the credits, I think it's reasonable to assume this is his main gimmick, so it's kind of hilarious that he needed to be reminded of it instead of using it as his first resort.
Speaking of Longarm's name - I assume you've noticed the joke behind it, but if you haven't, now is your chance to notice.
So the three on the lift pull on the power cuffs to keep the blimp close to the lift, and Hardtop successfully makes the connection, allowing the lift to connect and the other three to make it across. Longarm tells Hardtop to go after Krusher - I must've missed where he learned which bad guy was doing what - while he and his companions head for the other criminals.
Back inside the blimp, Berserko is running along carrying a loudly complaining Whitney, accompanied by the whole gang of nameless generics. Mace, Bullseye, and Longarm show up at the top of a staircase, Mace telling the crooks that they're all under arrest - the bad guys start firing at them, and that's how the big climactic fight begins!
Longarm fires his cuffs at a... I think it's some kind of ceiling light? And he swings across the battlefield onto a table, while Bullseye decides to slide down a banister while telling the bad guys the Miranda rights. I'm pretty sure you're meant to do that after catching the crooks instead of using it as a battle cry!
He ends up landing behind a trolley with cups and containers on it, and then rides it towards the villains! Mace swings from a rope, and Longarm continues to slide along the table he landed on, scattering food and launching a whole cooked pig right at one of the goons! The goon ends up with an apple in his mouth like the pig had. Nice touch. Bullseye whacks another one of the minions with a lid, and Mace swings down from the rope he's on and lands right on another one of the bad guys! There is so much going on here in so little time, it's wonderful.
Berserko, getting away and still carrying Whitney, suddenly realises he's forgotten the bag of loot! He runs back through the battle, which now seems to have an increased amount of explosions - I know it's just to give the effect of "he's running through a battle", but by my count there should only be two other criminals left standing!
He grabs the bag, which is one of two that are right next to the still-collapsed Bulletproof. Bulletproof still seems overconfident in what he can actually do in this position, telling Berserko "the game's over" and then proceeding to hardly move. Berserko approaches the smashed window, yells "Geronimo!", and then jumps down what must be about four feet to the balcony, making his exclamation seem overdramatic.
Turbo approaches in the helicopter, and Berserko dumps Whitney on the balcony before getting on.
Whitney: Before you go, a quick interview for the six-o'clock news?
Berserko: It's been fun! And you can quote me on it!
Whitney, paying more attention to Berserko than to where she's standing, steps right off the balcony, and ends up hanging from the ledge below. Hardtop rushes to the rescue from one side of the balcony - all trace of his fear gone, he jumps down to her level and lifts her back on to the ledge. She comments that she has something to report about now, but then she happens to look down, and she gets the same "afraid of heights" visual effect that Hardtop had been getting, and faints in his arms!
Oh yeah, remember that Hardtop's orders were to find Krusher? This pause has given Krusher the chance to find Hardtop first, and he rushes out of nowhere to attack Hardtop from behind - but Longarm handcuffs him with the power cuffs from the balcony above, quipping "sorry to spoil the moment". I think he thinks Whitney is in Hardtop's arms for a very different reason!
Later, on the blimp, the generic criminals are being marched away at gunpoint. Mace opens the remaining bag that was on the floor - and it's full of the guests' valuables! So that means...
Cut to the helicopter, with only Berserko and Turbo on it of course, and Big Boss contacting them via video call. He asks them how much loot they got, and Berserko opens the bag to find - it's just got sandwiches in it! He breaks the bad news to Big Boss, who shouts "BERSERKO!" so loud that the helicopter he's not even in starts to shake!
Whitney then nervously approaches Hardtop, with something to say to him - how the tables have turned! - but Beamer (didn't he get thrown off the blimp?) interrupts to tell her the studio needs her to report live. When she still tries to talk, Beamer picks her up and runs off with her! He's no better than Berserko!
Longarm then asks Hardtop about his fear of heights, and Hardtop indicates that it has gone, saying "Anybody can conquer their fears." That's right, kids - if you have a fear you want to cure, just put yourself in a situation where a beautiful woman will die if you don't get past it. Or something.
We hear a bit of Whitney's report, thanking COPS for their work, and specifically thanking Hardtop. Then we're back to that case file from the start, where Bulletproof tells us "Rock Krusher and the remaining crooks were sentenced to jail" - presumably we're just talking about those generics there, and not the ones who got away. He also lets us know that all the rich people got their stuff back and that the blimp was re-moored.
I suppose that means the fundraiser can carry on now! ...Wait, did they even tell us what it was raising funds for?
