It's Punky Brewster (1985)
First episode title: Punky to the Rescue / The Quartersize Quarterback
How familiar with the show am I?: I hadn't heard of it before, nor the show it's based on.
It seems that in the 80s there was a popular live-action American sitcom called Punky Brewster. Don't ask me, I'm not American and I wasn't alive in the 80s. Anyway, it was about a girl called Punky (cool name!) who had lost her parents and was taken in by a man named Henry.
This cartoon is the same thing, except Punky has an adorable furry creature called Glomer with magical powers, whose existence she has to hide from Henry. Well, I suppose it would be redundant to have both the live-action show and the cartoon if you didn't make use of the medium!
The show's theme song is one of those ones that explains the concept of the show, although it's probably written under the assumption that you already know the live-action show, as it focuses on how she met Glomer. It seems he comes from a land at the end of the rainbow, he emerged from it when he saw Punky, but then the rainbow faded and he couldn't get back home. We're also told that he's 104 years old! He seems to act like a child, though.
For lack of a better place in the episode to put it, I'd also like to comment on Glomer's voice here. It's provided by Frank Welker (Fred from Scooby-Doo, Nibbler from Futurama, Megatron from Transformers, and like a million animal voices). The voice he's doing is a kind of "funny alien" type of voice - think of Stitch or Jar Jar Binks, bad grammar and all.
So, the first of this episode's two unrelated segments is "Punky to the Rescue". As it begins, Punky, Glomer, Punky's best friend Cherie, and Punky's pet dog Brandon are all at Punky's house. Punky is counting out her small amount of change, and lamenting that it's not enough to help Henry with the rent. You know things are bad when the kid is worried about helping...
Then the phone rings. It's right next to Glomer, and he's evidently never heard it ring yet (presumably he hasn't been living here long) - he's startled by the noise, and then, when he picks it up and hears a voice, starts telling the other person to come out of there! Punky isn't much help:
Punky: Glomer, this is a phone. You talk into it.
Yeah that doesn't actually explain the purpose. Anyway, Punky takes the phone. From the old trick of having the character on-screen repeat back what the other person is saying, we learn that someone is offering Henry a job in Florida, and Punky immediately accepts on his behalf. Not only should she not be doing that for him, but I wish we lived in a world where people would randomly phone you up and offer you jobs!
Punky rejoices that this will save them from their rent situation, hugging Cherie, and so Glomer hugs Brandon, who doesn't seem to like it! Glomer then starts floating around the room with his magic, as Cherie questions whether Henry might have a problem with going all the way to Florida (the main characters live in Chicago, which becomes more obvious in the second segment). Punky says she doesn't think that will be the problem, but the skydiving might! If that's not already Henry's sort of thing, why is he being phoned up out of nowhere to do this, again? Who knows!
The doorbell rings, and Glomer, thinking it's the phone again, tries answering it "Hello, phone!"
At the door is Henry, who just gets a chance to say that he forgot his keys, before Punky slams the door in his face! It's because she needs to get Glomer hidden away, although I'd have thought that would be a concern regardless of who's at the door - she should have thought of that before answering!
Cherie puts Glomer in a closet (Glomer isn't pleased!), and then Punky opens the door again. Henry tries to ask why Punky closed the door on him, but she interrupts to tell him about the job she got him.
Punky: All you gotta do is jump out of a plane and take pictures of some daredevil skydivers! What do you say?
As Punky expected, Henry is completely set against doing it - but then she brings up the rent and he immediately changes his mind. And it's apparently already time to leave, too! He says he'll need his umbrella, and Glomer starts to look around in a panic, because Henry is coming over to the closet to retrieve it - Henry opens it, only to get handed a tennis racket! Glomer apparently hasn't learned what an umbrella is, and Henry doesn't understand what just happened, but Punky quickly comes over and switches the racket for the umbrella, still without Henry catching sight of Glomer. Phew!
Punky rushes Henry out the door, seemingly without giving him any luggage or any details of where the job is or what flight he'll need to take, but telling him he'll miss his plane if he doesn't hurry! Wow, whatever company has hired him must have been really desperate at short notice! Sweetly, Henry does stop to kiss Punky goodbye:
In the next scene, Punky and her friends are walking down the street. It seems that all of her friends know about Glomer, but she keeps Glomer disguised in public so that no-one else finds out. In this case, Punky is pushing along a pram, with Glomer as the "baby" inside. As well as Cherie, Punky's friends are a boy named Allen and a girl named Margaux. You know, pronounced like Margot.
Punky is talking about how upset she is that she won't get to see Henry skydiving. Cherie and Margaux are both eating ice cream, and Margaux says that you can't get to Florida by just snapping your fingers, not noticing that Brandon the dog is eating her ice cream right off of the cone. She then goes to lick it with her eyes closed, only to find there's no ice cream there. Because we all close our eyes while walking down the street when we're about to eat some of our food, right?
Glomer then points out that he can get them all to Florida, with his magic. This is another sign that they're not all used to the situation yet, as Margaux wouldn't have said something like that if she'd seen the full capacity of Glomer's powers. Punky, taking Glomer out of the pram like they're not still in public, asks him to do so. Cherie interrupts to remind Punky that Henry told her to stay with Cherie's grandma - is that who Cherie lives with, then? I'd say that Cherie's role in the group seems to be that she's the voice of reason, based on this and some other comments throughout the episode.
Punky insists she'll be back soon enough, so Glomer prepares to transport everyone.
Glomer: Everybody holding on to Glomer now! Here we coming!
Everyone holds hands with Glomer as part of the circle, and they all vanish - although I'll note that no-one was holding Brandon's paws and he gets transported anyway!
Now we're at the Florida Air Show at Marine World. A crowd of people are watching a plane loop through the air, as an announcer introduces them to a skydiving team called the "Screaming Screamers". How encouraging! Punky and company reappear nearby, Margaux complaining about the quality of the trip (I wonder how it feels for them?) and Glomer needing to have a lie down.
Cherie points out the skydivers, and they see a couple of the professionals properly skydiving down - and then Henry, looking like he's falling out of the plane, although he does get his parachute up properly!
However, he seems to get blown off course by the wind - Allen talks for the first time to ask where he's going. Punky says that he's headed for the swamp and asks Glomer to help, but Glomer's magic is still used up from the trip! I like when magic causes physical exhaustion on the part of the user, relative to the amount of power - it's the easiest explanation for why wizards don't just fix all their problems magically.
Glomer: Long trip make magic pooped.
Hehe, poop.
Cut to the swamp - Henry, in his parachute, is dangling from a tree, and there's an alligator in the water below him! That's how you know it's Florida.
Henry: You're not having me for dinner, you slimy reptile!
After this taunt, the alligator tries to bite him, and he admits he was being a bit rude to it! Then he jumps down, landing on the alligator but successfully jumping to the land from there. This seems to be treated as jumping to safety, as if alligators can't leave the water!
The kids are also walking through a different part of the swamp. Cherie says they should be waiting for the "search party", so it sounds like the people at the air show have already taken notice of the missing skydiver, but we won't see any sign of that again. Punky insists that it's her fault that Henry is in this mess and therefore her responsibility. How sweetly irrational.
Margaux: But there's mud in there!
Punky: It's a swamp. What did you expect, yoghurt?
Mmm, yoghurt swamp. Then the kids hear a distinctly ribbit-y sound from off screen, and this frightens all of them into screaming and hiding behind a bush!
Allen thinks it might be a "swamp monster" because he had seen one in a film, scaring all the girls even more - he says that the monster in the film ate all the "pretty girls" first, and Margaux exclaims that she's doomed. This may seem a little arrogant of her, but we'll get back to that.
Punky and Glomer square up to fight the monster they can't see, only for a frog (what a surprise) to jump out of a nearby log and onto Glomer's head. Having decided there was never a "swamp monster", they move on with the search for Henry - but immediately, Cherie encounters some big, monstrous-looking footprints!
Cherie: If those aren't monster tracks, they sure have big frogs in this swamp.
Then Punky sees a piece of Henry's outfit hanging from a tree, and concludes the worst - the swamp monster, for whatever reason, must have taken Henry. Punky often refers to him as "my Henry" at times like this, which I suppose is meant to be a substitute for saying something like "my dad".
Brandon goes over to the monster tracks and starts barking, and Glomer imitates him, getting down on all fours and barking too! And when Cherie says that Brandon has picked up Henry's scent, Glomer frustratedly claims that he picked up the scent too! No you didn't, you weird little thing. Anyway, Punky leads them all in following the tracks.
The next thing we see is a wooden cabin that's built on top of the water of part of the swamp, held up by some fragile-looking branches, and there's someone - or something - moving around inside it! It sure looks like a person to me, but the kids are in a tree above the cabin, certain that this is where the swamp monster lives, and Punky has a plan to scare him away.
The kids swing down to the roof on vines. Margaux and Allen start making wolf-like howling noises into the chimney, while Punky, Cherie, and Glomer jump up and down, chanting incoherently. Really scary, guys. But their movement is enough to make the cabin start sinking into the swamp!
As the kids hang on to the roof (Glomer simply hovering safely above them), they all get over to the other side of the roof to balance it out, only for it to start sinking the other way until they managed to get themselves all balanced properly... and then promptly fall through the roof, onto a conveniently-placed mattress!
The cabin is otherwise empty, and the kids see the "monster" wandering off again amongst the trees. Punky, stuck between her friends and the mattress, tries to squeeze herself out, and with a cartoonish "boing" sound she is catapulted to the cabin's entrance, where Brandon greets her with a lick to the face. She asks where the monster went... and everyone present points in different directions! Come on, it was right there!
Punky: Glomer, can you fly that mattress?
Glomer: Glomer only have permit to fly carpets!
Punky: Close enough!
So yes, Glomer uses his magic to lift up the mattress with all of them on it, and they go off on it like a flying carpet as Glomer mentioned. After Punky warns Glomer of a tree they're about to crash into, he avoids it only to crash straight into another one! Well, that's what you get when you drive a vehicle you're not licensed for.
A little later, Punky is so worried about Henry that she's sitting on a log, crying, saying that maybe she wasn't meant to have a family! Poor Punky... this sets off Glomer crying about how he doesn't have a family any more either. Hey! You two! You're each other's family, don't you see?
With renewed determination, Punky declares they need "Punky power" to trap this swamp monster. Whatever that is, Allen brings up again the fact that the monster went after the pretty girl in the movie - the next thing you know, the kids are setting up a pit trap, with Margaux as the bait!
Margaux is complaining about the fact that they convinced her to do this - connecting back to her reaction earlier, it seems everyone here is of the opinion that she is the most obvious candidate for "pretty girl". I suppose Punky is too much of a tomboy to qualify, and I hope something similar is what disqualifies Cherie...
The plan is for the other kids to hide and let the monster get caught by the trap when it goes for Margaux:
Punky: Now, Glomer, you're our lookout. Understand?
Glomer: Sure bet! When I see monster, I yell 'Look out! Look out!'
Punky: Something like that.
She cutely pats his head on that last line. Then they retreat, and Margaux is left to over-act her part, calling herself "gorgeous" and "exquisite" in the process. So, I think we can still pin some arrogance on her.
In a nearby part of the swamp, Glomer is standing and looking around for the monster. And, right behind him, the "monster" - who, if you hadn't already guessed, is much more clearly shown to be Henry - is backing away from something. They both fall into the mud, and glance at each other, each getting scared by the mud-covered being they've just seen and running off in opposite directions! So technically Henry has seen Glomer now, but not in a way where he'd be able to tell what he is!
Henry, in his haste, slips onto a log, and gets rolled right into the pit trap - the kids made it pretty well, since it snags him with a vine or branch and lifts him up, dangling him upside down! The kids run over to see the "monster", but Brandon is already licking Henry's face, and so it's now obvious who it is.
Henry is of course very surprised to see the kids in Florida, since they're supposed to be back in Chicago! Punky makes up a lie about them having stowed away on Henry's plane, which Henry clearly finds unbelievable, but it's not like he'd ever believe the truth!
Punky still hasn't realised that Henry has been the monster this whole time, though, until Cherie points out the pieces of tree bark that Henry has tied to his feet to make it easier to walk in the mud, creating the monstrous tracks they saw earlier. It seems like Punky was banking on the fact that they had been saving him from the monster to get her out of trouble, so now she's a bit stuck!
Before we get back to Punky's house for the last scene, one little thing - whose cabin was that? Even if Henry had the skills to build it himself, he wouldn't have had a mattress on him!
But yeah, back at the house, Henry is making Punky clean the whole place as punishment for stowing away. He mentions that they came out of all this with enough money for the rent - what, did he take some pictures after all? And wouldn't he now have had to pay for a bunch of extra plane tickets to bring Punky and friends back?? Punky responds to the money comment by asking if they have enough for a maid now, but Henry isn't having any of that, as we come to the end of the first segment!
The other segment is "The Quartersize Quarterback". As I mentioned earlier, I am not American, so I am prone to getting baffled when American football is the subject, but I didn't have to look too many things up this time.
It starts with Punky, Cherie, Margaux, and Brandon walking into the City Park, Punky carrying a picnic basket, with Cherie saying to Punky that she thought Allen didn't want them all to watch him play football. From the way she's saying it just as they walk in, I'm imagining them all just walking to the park together in silence until she randomly picks that moment to raise this objection. Either that or Punky didn't tell them why she was taking them to the park until right this moment, which is more likely but less funny.
Punky: He'll change his mind when he sees what's in the basket.
Margaux: You mean Glomer?
Punky, of course, meant the food that's in there, and Brandon looks excited at the mention of food. Glomer pops out of the basket, asking the dog if he wants some, and he uses his magic to make a sandwich start flying around Brandon's head, just out of reach! That's a bit of a cruel thing to do to a dog, and Glomer just starts laughing about it!
Luckily, Punky tells Glomer to stop using magic where people might see - he ends the spell, and the sandwich falls right into Brandon's waiting mouth. Phew!
They reach the park's little football field, and see Allen and some other boys. Someone yells "hike", someone throws the ball, and it flies right at Allen - he catches it, rolls over backwards, and then drops it. See, I don't need to know anything about American football to understand that he's not playing it well!
Side note: it looks like it's meant to be a two-on-two match, but Allen's teammate only appears in one single shot where he's about to throw the ball behind him to Allen - he disappears completely once Allen catches it.
One of the two kids on the opposing team snatches the ball and runs off it with it, scoring a touchdown - and then, to rub salt in the wound, he walks over to Allen to tell him to his face how terrible he is at football. This kid is Lenny, who is such a minor character that I can't find a source to confirm the spelling and make sure he's not a Lennie.
Punky: Why don't you go and bag your face, Lenny? Allen's okay.
I'm guessing "bag your face" isn't a football term. Punky then says that Allen might some day play for the Chicago Bears (see? told you their location would be clearer in the second segment), and Lenny makes a joke about how the Bears would have to be in "hibernation" for that to happen, which is perfect cartoon-bully-level humour. As Lenny and his teammate laugh, Punky promises they'll see Allen "wearing a Bears uniform" - file that wording away for later.
The bullies leave, and Punky tells the others that all they have to do now is get Allen onto the Bears! They all seem shocked, but you, like me, might be thinking right now that that should be easier than it would be for most people with a creature like Glomer around. Don't worry, we'll get to him!
First, Punky decides to practise with Allen. She tosses him the ball (Glomer cutely mimicking her throwing motion), and Allen runs for it... fails to catch it... falls over... and tears his trousers and breaks his belt, making his trousers fall down and exposing his underwear. That's... just how bad he is.
Margaux openly laughs at this, and even Cherie says that it's going to take Allen about a hundred years of practice! It's at this point that Punky realises that Glomer might be able to help, and, with a "Yessiree, Bill!", he launches some magic over Allen's way.
Allen: Hey, I feel strange!
Margaux: That's because you are!
Come on, Margaux, he's your friend! Glomer then calls out to Allen, telling him to catch the "toeball" (Punky corrects him), and throws it over. This time, Allen catches it perfectly! And when Punky tells him to throw it back, she has to duck, and it whacks into a tree behind her! The spell worked! And also he stops needing to hold his trousers up somehow.
Amazingly, Allen doesn't seem to realise that he's had a spell cast on him, despite knowing all about Glomer - he seems convinced that he's just suddenly gotten good at football somehow! And Punky says that they'll get him onto the Bears in order to show "Lenny and Chucky", so now we have a name for Lenny's teammate, although once again I have no proof he's not a Chuckie.
Punky, Allen, Glomer, and Brandon then arrive at the Bears' home grounds without much fanfare - Glomer (who's wearing his own adorable little Bears uniform) probably transported them there. A coach is instructing the players, and Punky gets his attention, claiming to be an agent and introducing Allen as the new starting quarterback. I wish I had Punky's confidence!
The coach, and a whole bunch of hulking football players, stare down at the kids, not taking them seriously, for understandable reasons! Punky tells them to give Allen a chance, but:
Coach: Sorry, kid. Come back in a few feet.
Allen starts to walk off dejectedly, but Punky isn't taking no for an answer. She whispers something into Brandon's ear, and the clever dog runs in amongst the players and steals the ball, then runs back and gives it to Allen! What a well-trained dog.
The coach is angry now, and yells at the kids to give him the ball, so Allen obeys - he throws it towards the coach, hitting him near or around the crotch (with a little "oof"), and the coach flies backwards into several of the players, knocking all of them to the ground! Ouch...
This at least convinced the coach to let Allen show them what he can do, and we're straight into Allen in a Bears uniform playing with the big boys. On the way to scoring a touchdown he literally flies over the other players, and when he throws the ball down to the ground at the end, it buries itself and smoke is coming out! And Allen really thinks he's doing this without magic?
The coach shakes his hand and tells him to be back tomorrow, and that all he needs to do is check with the NFL. What, he reckons they'd be able to sort it out that quickly?
Now it's night time and we're at Punky's house. She's in bed but she's on the phone (kids, eh?), telling Lenny (she has the bully's number?) that he and Chucky better be at the Bears game tomorrow to see Allen suited up - there's that emphasis on the uniform again. Hmmm...
Then Henry calls out Punky's name, but Glomer is out in the open in Punky's room! He really needs to learn to be prepared for these moments, but for now, he panics and just hides under the cushion of the stool he's sitting on, while Punky gets under the covers and pretends to be asleep.
Of course, Henry walks in and immediately sits on the stool...
Glomer lets out a yell of "yeeow", and Henry jumps up in surprise, but he must have no sense of where the sound came from because he looks around without looking under himself. Punky covers for Glomer by letting out a few "yeeows" of her own and claiming that she's... practising for choir. Sure, Punky.
The reason Henry came in is to tell Punky that he's bought tickets for the whole gang to see the Bears game tomorrow - it seems to be implied that he did so under the influence of Glomer's magic. He holds up four tickets as he mentions "the whole gang" - so, Henry, Punky, Cherie, Margaux... and I suppose he somehow already knows he won't need to get one for Allen! Actually, the rest of the episode acts as if Henry knows Allen was going to be in the game - we have no way of knowing how it went down when Punky told him about this.
Once Henry's out of the room again and Glomer can come out of hiding, Punky carries him to the pram from the first segment, and starts tucking him in like he's going to sleep - hey, he's not an actual baby!
Punky: Wait till Henry sees Allen quarterback! Thanks to you, Glomer, Allen has a whole new career!
Glomer: Oh, sure bet, hehe! ...What is 'career'?
Punky explains, and Glomer gets worried - you see, his spell will wear off at some point! It takes a while for him to explain this properly to Punky, but once she understands, she's now desperate to make sure Allen doesn't play in the match tomorrow!
Speaking of tomorrow, now it's tomorrow! We're at the game, and Henry and Margaux are in the crowd next to two vacated seats, past which are Lenny and Chucky. Henry doesn't understand where Punky and Cherie are, and Margaux makes up an excuse that they're getting popcorn, even though they've left their popcorn in each of their seats, which Henry points out! Also, Brandon is there (is it normal to allow pets in the crowd of a match?), wearing an adorable blue cap with a red novelty hand thing sticking up from it.
In the Bears changing room, the coach orders the players onto the field, and they all rush out. Then Punky, Cherie, and Glomer (back in his little uniform) sneak in, to find Allen still in there, struggling to even get his uniform on. Sounds like the spell wore off (since we've already seen it somehow seems to affect his ability to wear clothes too).
Punky tells him they're here to rescue him, but Allen is still convinced of his own skill and tries to head out there, even as he trips over his own feet and puts a helmet on backwards, and even as Glomer tries to tell him that the spell that was giving him those powers has worn off.
Annoyed, Punky grabs a nearby trolley and runs full force at Allen, making him fall into it! Allen starts calling out for help and Punky unsubtly threatens him, but to be fair he's being a complete idiot. She rolls him up a ramp to a set of exit doors, and has to let go in order for her and Cherie to try opening the doors, which for some reason are stuck. (The doors have those full width horizontal bar handles that I associate with fire exits - don't those need to be especially reliable?)
Anyway, if you were paying attention, Punky has let go of the trolley while it was parked on a ramp, so of course it starts rolling away! Allen is still struggling to take the backwards helmet off his head as he flies along out of control, and then - I love this bit - he manages to get it off, sees that he's about to crash through some doors, and puts it back on his head backwards again! Punky, Cherie, and Glomer are all chasing after him, and Punky manages to hang on to the back of the trolley as it goes through the doors and onto the playing field.
In the audience, Henry spots Punky and Cherie on the field through his binoculars (Allen wouldn't be recognisable in his outfit, and I suppose Glomer's uniform is meant to be a disguise), and Margaux tries to convince him he's seeing things! Combined with the popcorn thing, she is not a good liar.
The out-of-control cart hits some of the players, knocking them down, and it comes to a crashing stop. Punky again tries to tell Allen not to play, indicating all the tough players on the pitch, but Allen, putting his helmet on right this time, is still determined. So Punky throws him a ball, and he trips over when trying to catch it - and somehow he's finally convinced that he's not going to be able to play!
At that moment, the coach and Henry both approach the kids from opposite sides. Henry wants to know what's going on, and Punky starts to say something about how Allen can't play in the game, obviously trying to think up some new excuse... but she's saved from having to do so when the coach says he wasn't able to convince the NFL to let a child play on the team! Wow, he left it a bit late for that, right? And Allen's so relieved that he faints!
Pretending that Allen is upset, Punky tells the coach how he can make it up to him - letting him be the team's waterboy for the day. I had to look this concept up - these days a waterboy comes around with bottles of water for the players, but Allen is being a more old-fashioned waterboy with a bucket. Lenny and Chucky are impressed to see Allen "right down there with Ditka and Payton", and yes, of course, I had to look those names up.
And so we reach the punchline of the whole thing - they're seeing Allen on the field in a Bears uniform. Forget that Punky started out by saying he'd play for the Bears someday! They're all back in the crowd for this bit by the way, and Punky has the picnic basket from earlier on her lap so that Glomer now has a place to hide again.
Punky tells Henry that everything that's gone on today would be a long story (how would she explain it?), and Henry just jokes that she should have gotten him Payton's autograph! And Punky and Glomer smile for the camera, and everyone's happy, including us!
One final thought I want to end on - I can't really tell why Punky wants to keep Glomer hidden from Henry so badly. Henry is a nice enough guy, he wouldn't be angry or not want Glomer around, and you'd think he'd want all the help a magical being can provide! And Punky's happy for all her other friends to know about Glomer!
I don't know if anyone is religiously reading these posts every week, but regardless, it seems like this posting rate is becoming unsustainable for me, at least for now. So I'll be switching to one post every two weeks for a while, and then we can see where it goes from there.