Muppet Babies (1984)
First episode title: Noisy Neighbors
How familiar with the show am I?: I've seen little bits of the live-action Muppet Show before, but never any of this.
It's the Muppets, but they're babies! I am assuming everyone here knows what a Muppet is. This show basically invented the concept of giving a franchise a spin-off where everyone is a kid - so, let's see what the Muppets were like as babies!
In this show, the Muppet Babies all seem to live in a nursery together, looked after by a woman known only as Nanny, who we never see any part of above her legs. The babies have imaginary adventures that are mostly shown in ordinary animation like the rest of the show, but there is occasional live-action mixed in. The effect is as surreal as when young kids actually do play out scenarios together!
For instance, when the episode starts, we're seeing the reality of the cartoon world. A cardboard box with "windows" painted on it - I'm sorry, a submarine - is shuffling along the floor of the living room, and we hear from inside it:
Kermit: OK, up periscope!
Gonzo: Aye-aye, Captain Kermit!
I'll go into more detail about the characters when they appear properly. Something small and periscope-shaped sticks up out of the box, but Gonzo complains that he can't see anything, and after some discussion within the box it becomes apparent that the part that's sticking out is Gonzo's nose. (Phew.) The other babies inside give him a boost, and his whole head emerges.
Gonzo, as you might know, is a blue creature not really equivalent to any real animal. The impression I get of his personality in this episode is that he's just a bit pathetic in comparison to the other babies.
Inside the box we see some more of the babies. Kermit is, of course, the famous green frog who leads the Muppets and here wears a kind of sailor suit. Fozzie is a bear with an indescribable accent who thinks of himself as a comedian even though no-one else seems to. And Piggy is the pig (no way) in the frilly pink dress who has a supposedly sweet personality and a short temper. There is a weird mix of characters who sound like (cartoon) children usually do, and characters who basically sound just like their adult selves.
This is the first time some live-action footage gets mixed in, as Gonzo's view of the enemy destroyer (that's heading straight for them!) is initially represented as a real boat, before we return to "reality" and see that it's actually a sofa with some of the babies on it.
Specifically, the characters seen on the "boat" here are Skeeter, the tomboy who's the only girl baby other than Piggy; Animal, the little monster who will be a major focus in this episode; and Scooter, Skeeter's brother who gives the impression of being a bit of a nerd.
The babies in the sub then go ahead and break the logic of the "sub with a periscope" thing completely, as the others all pop up out of the box to join Gonzo. Scooter announces that he's seen an "enemy sub", and uses what's clearly the discarded hose and nozzle of a vacuum cleaner to contact the "engine room" - i.e. under the sofa, where we see one more Muppet, Rowlf the dog. Rowlf comes across as perhaps the most cheerful of the babies.
Scooter orders Rowlf "full speed ahead", and Rowlf struggles to move the sofa from underneath it - come on, he's just a baby! He does move it a little bit, and we get some more live-action footage to represent the boat moving along too. The babies in the "sub" panic, Gonzo shouting to "dive! dive!" which confuses Fozzie into actually diving out of the box like into a swimming pool! Kermit has to drag him back in.
The sub starts to get away, represented by live-action footage before cutting to the box scuttling along. Rowlf pokes his head out from under the sofa to say that they're getting away, addressing his remark to "sir", but it's Skeeter who responds as the captain, so evidently she's playing the role of a male captain. That's kind of Shakespearean, since she's voiced by a man!
She orders everyone to their battle stations, and Animal responds by jumping up and down and yelling "Battle! Battle!" Get used to this kind of behaviour from him. I must say, Animal makes the weirdest-looking baby out of all of them - I don't know whether it's the fact that his facial fur already looks like a moustache at this age, or just the way the cartoon makes his pink fuzzy face and orange hairless body look like parts from two mismatched beings.
Scooter takes issue with his sister declaring herself captain, though, and tries to take command, snatching her captain's hat off her. Apparently he has a poor record in that area, though:
Skeeter: The last time you were captain, the couch sank before it even got away from the dock!
Scooter doesn't push the point any further, recognising that he's lost this argument. Smart kid. Skeeter orders him to launch the "depth charges", which involves setting up a wooden plank as a ramp down from the sofa, and pushing Animal (who's now revealed to be wearing roller skates) down the ramp! That's kind of dangerous, kids!
He zooms down the ramp and at the "sub", putting a baby-shaped hole in the side of it! The kids who were in the box even go flying across the room! And none of that seems to just be their imagination!
As Skeeter, Scooter, and Rowlf celebrate their victory, Nanny enters the room. As mentioned previously, she seems to be the only person taking care of all of these kids, and we only ever see her legs. She's here to let them know that their next door neighbour Officer Carruthers was on the phone to complain about the noise, saying something about how it sounded like they were "building a freeway" - Animal for some reason finds the word "freeway" hilarious, and in the middle of laughing about it he even bites the carpet for some reason!
Kermit and Scooter rush over to put their hands over Animal's mouth to stop him being so noisy. Then begins the first of a few exchanges in this episode where Nanny is explaining something and all the babies collectively say "uh-huh" in response to every line, which is of course the usual response to a parent that's trying to tell you something. As Nanny explains that Officer Carruthers works at night so he has to get some sleep during the day, she taps her foot, and Kermit imagines that she's a cop, making him gulp. Good, the kids are being taught to distrust cops early.
Nanny tells them to play like civilised children and leaves the room, and that sets off Animal again. The other kids start talking about what a problem it will be if they can't keep Animal quiet - as if all of the noise was him! I'm pretty sure that naval battle was a collective effort!
The kids start to worry about what Officer Carruthers will do if he punishes them. Scooter thinks he'll send them to jail, Gonzo thinks he'll send them to the "Twilight Zone", and Fozzie... is a pretty weird guy.
Fozzie: Or what if he spreads chunky peanut butter all over our faces, and forgets the grape jelly!
Piggy brings up what Nanny said about playing like civilised children, and so she and Kermit start tidying the place up. But Animal has managed to take the leg right off a chair and is busy gnawing it in half! Kermit and Gonzo try to stop him, and Gonzo weirdly reiterates the need to keep Animal quiet here, even though he's not actually making any noise in the process - it seems to me like letting him cram something in his mouth would actually be a good way of keeping him quiet!
Fozzie proposes distracting Animal with some jokes, and tries out his comedian routine on him.
Fozzie: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Animal: CHICKEN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You see? He just finds any random word hilarious. Kermit observes "we need to shut him up, not crack him up", so Piggy climbs up a bookshelf and grabs a story book. When she sits down to read it to everyone, she shushes Animal and tells him to listen to the story, and for now he obeys! I guess he wants to at least work out what this new distraction is about first.
The story is set in a fantasy kingdom with a castle containing a beautiful princess - Princess Piggy, naturally. She's sitting on one of those big fancy beds with a canopy over it, and Scooter is fanning her with a big leaf. Animal starts to make a comment, and Piggy responds "QUIET!", ironically being noticeably louder than Animal once again!
Princess Piggy is concerned because she's out of chocolates, so she calls for Skeeter to get her some... and then a whole bunch of other foods now that she's gotten started, mostly sweets but also including a double cheeseburger and fries! Skeeter makes a joke about "pigging out", and weirdly the Princess Piggy inside the story tells her not to make comments during her story - so evidently, even though this is Piggy reading from a book, the other characters are also playing their parts somehow, blurring the lines between fiction and reality once again.
Then the whole place starts shaking noisily. It's because there's a dragon outside, stomping around! Piggy specifies that the dragon is "back", and Scooter, apparently unfamiliar with it, asks whether the dragon eats people (not to drill into the logic of a child's story within a cartoon too much, but has Piggy got new servants since the dragon last came around?). But Piggy says that's not the problem - it's the dragon's dancing, which is what's shaking everything up!
Fozzie, in his usual outfit because he doesn't have an established medieval appearance yet, pops up out of nowhere to joke that the dragon's destructive activity could be called breakdancing - wow, he made an actual joke - and Princess Piggy once again objects to the interruptions to her story.
Piggy declares that whoever defeats the dragon will win her hand in marriage, and Scooter, spreading the word on her behalf, nails a poster to a tree - and hurts his thumb with the hammer. Is clumsiness meant to be a character trait of Scooter? It's hard to tell just from this episode.
Three brave knights arrive to answer the call - Sirs Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo. Now that he's actually part of the story, Fozzie is more appropriately dressed in a faux-medieval style, as are the other two. Gonzo almost immediately embarrasses himself when his helmet's visor falls down over his eyes, hitting his prominent nose. Clumsiness definitely is a character trait of Gonzo!
Fozzie is the first to say that he'll slay the dragon, and Piggy points out that he's missing his sword. For some reason, everyone in this scene pronounces the "w" in "sword". I have no idea if there's some medieval stereotype that I'm missing, or if this is just them being babies that don't know words properly, or what.
Anyway, Skeeter notices that Piggy is simply hiding Fozzie's sword behind her back, but Piggy shuts her up - obviously, Piggy is hoping that Kermit is the one to defeat the dragon, so she's doing her best to sabotage the competition!
Fozzie reckons he can use the feather in his cap to defeat the dragon instead, swooshing it through the air by way of demonstration, but Gonzo points out that's not going to have any effect on the dragon. Again, Fozzie is a weird guy. So instead Fozzie takes out some paper and uses the feather to write some jokes to tell the dragon instead, his plan apparently being to somehow kill it while it's laughing at the jokes. But he still doesn't have a weapon either way!
The bear approaches the dragon and says "knock knock" - Kermit interrupts to point out to Fozzie that that joke's not going to work, because dragons can't talk. Um, excuse me? I personally know some dragons who can! But this is apparently the rule in this imaginary cartoon land.
So the dragon just responds by burning Fozzie's paper with its fiery breath. Fozzie hurriedly tries to come up with a new joke:
Fozzie: What did the big dragon say to the mouse? Give up? Nothing! Dragons can't talk!
Everyone present reacts with frustration at the terrible joke, and the dragon's own response is to jump up into the air and crush Fozzie into the ground! No-one deserves that just because their jokes are bad! Piggy feigns sadness, then immediately "recovers" to call forth the next challenger.
Gonzo is eager to go next. He says that Piggy is going to kiss him hello and kiss the dragon goodbye. I'm not sure I'd ever tell anyone to get ready to kiss me hello - it only really works as the contrast to the latter half of that statement. Then Kermit, once Gonzo is out of earshot, calls him a little blue weirdo. Gonzo doesn't look any littler than Kermit in this show, though!
Gonzo goes up to the dragon with a lot of enthusiasm, literally throwing down his gauntlet to challenge the dragon and ineffectually swinging his swword around, before the dragon casually swats him up and away with its tail. Then Rowlf shows up in a tow truck, forgetting completely about the aesthetics of the setting, and lifts him up by the armour with a magnet, telling him he's taking him to the body shop! (That's an American term for a type of car repair shop.)
Piggy then begs Kermit not to fight the dragon, for the look of the thing I suppose. Kermit says "Fair not, fear princess" and then corrects his mix-up, before declaring that he actually isn't going to fight the dragon, shocking Piggy! I guess she wasn't all that concerned!
And why isn't he going to fight the dragon?
Kermit: You know what they say - if you can't beat 'em, dance with 'em!
Kermit starts jumping around like the dragon had been doing, and it joins in! Piggy declares it to be "romantique" somehow, and Kermit yells out "Let's boogie!" - at which point we fade back to the nursery, where this part of the story has inspired Animal to start yelling "Boogie! Animal dance!" and go zooming around the room, crashing into things and making a noise! Oh no!
Kermit and Rowlf, this time, rush to keep Animal quiet, but the phone is already ringing, and very soon Nanny is talking to Officer Carruthers again! Afraid that the police are on their way, the babies scramble to hide, Fozzie commanding Rowlf to turn the lights out, like that's going to make them impossible to find!
Sneaking through the dark, the babies are all of a sudden wearing black and white striped "criminal" outfits, so we're in their imagination again - as made even more evident by the searchlights suddenly shining down on them, and the sound of an alarm. Everyone starts running and hiding in various parts of the room, Fozzie puts a lampshade on his own head, and Gonzo opens a door to find (what I think is) a Star Wars spaceship firing towards them! It's a little random, and it's also the cliffhanger on which we cut to an ad break!
When we come back, the babies' outfits are back to normal, and Gonzo opens the door again to find Nanny standing there instead - I suppose this is what really happened!
Nanny: Why are the lights out?
Gonzo: Well, we didn't want the police to catch- I mean, we didn't want to waste electricity!
Then follows another of those back and forths with Nanny as she explains that the babies had woken Carruthers up again. Fozzie, still with the lampshade on his head, starts begging Nanny not to let him take them all to jail! You'd think a responsible adult would make it clear to the kids that babies don't get arrested for being noisy, but no, she just tells them everything will be alright as long as they don't make any more noise. She asks them if that would be a "good idea" as she leaves, and once she's out the door Animal sets off again, repeating "Good idea!" until Kermit and Gonzo can shut him up.
Now there's a bit that's a little bit confusing to me. Rowlf says it would be good if they could find something that would just put Animal to sleep, and Skeeter cruelly suggests a sledgehammer. Rowlf says "Hey! That's it!", everyone thinks he's agreeing with the sledgehammer idea, but it turns out he means the baby-scale piano that's in the room. I can only assume the intent is meant to be that his response wasn't actually meant for Skeeter and was just his reaction to his own internal thought, but the impression I initially got is that "sledgehammer" somehow made him think of music. Note that we're a couple of years too early for the Peter Gabriel song.
Fozzie thinks Rowlf's going to hit Animal with the piano instead, but Rowlf makes it clear he meant a lullaby. So he starts playing on the piano, backed up by an invisible imaginary band, and he's definitely being noisier than Animal has been at any point!
The song is called "Sleep Rockin'" - it seems this show has a song in every episode - and Rowlf starts singing it to Animal.
Kid I'm gonna tell you about the latest craze
I ain't seen nothing like it since my puppy days
Your "puppy days"? Aren't these your puppy days, Rowlf? You're literally wearing a bib and a diaper right now. Anyway, the craze he's talking about is sleep rocking, where you... sing about sleeping, I suppose. How meta. The other babies join in on various lines, with the big title line of the chorus being Piggy and Skeeter singing "Sleep rocking, rock-a-bye baby"... although there are parts where the latter half of that sounds like "rocking my baby". "Rock-a-bye" makes more sense though so I'm sticking with it.
The second verse instructs you to take off your shoes, brush your teeth, and say your prayers, as the babies demonstrate these actions. Forty years on, I wouldn't expect to hear "say your prayers" in that list outside of an explicitly religious show, so that's interesting. Then, as the song goes on, various babies involved start to fall asleep, but Animal still looks wide awake! At least he's having fun.
The final verse is more of the same, babies falling asleep as they sing about doing so, and just as the second verse was surprisingly Christian, the third verse is surprisingly American - "Everybody sleep rock USA!" Maybe that sort of thing got toned down when they became more interested in selling cartoons overseas. Or maybe it just all went over my head as a kid.
The unfairness towards Animal comes in again here. Everyone's being noisy, playing instruments and singing, but Animal gets his hands on some drumsticks (he's a drummer as an adult, if you weren't aware) and starts playing along, and four of the other babies pile onto him to get him to stop! Excuse me??
Just as the song ends... Nanny enters the room. Of course.
Everyone stops except Animal, and this time Piggy actually stuffs Animal under a rug to prevent Nanny noticing him! I'm feeling more and more sorry for Animal. There's another back-and-forth with Nanny where they all react to everything she says - this time, she's saying that Carruthers isn't going to phone them next time they wake him up, he'll come over and talk to them himself instead! OK, maybe Carruthers or Nanny really is trying to scare the babies.
When she leaves, Gonzo realises there is one thing that will solve their Animal problem - television will keep him quiet! I'll let you decide whether that's an endorsement or a critique of television, but it's funny either way that a television show is saying this to us.
So he turns on the telly, and the news is on. The newsreader just barely gets some words out about an earthquake in South America, before Animal starts yelling "EARTHQUAKE!" and bouncing around with force, causing books to fall from their shelves and the babies themselves to fly around! I can't tell how much of that is to be taken as real.
Gonzo manages to reach the TV (I should mention, he's using the buttons on the TV itself - not everyone had remote controls yet, kids!) and turns it over, this time finding a game show. The host is telling a contestant he's won a trip to New York City, and now Animal yells "HE WON!" and starts throwing things around in celebration! You don't even know the guy, Animal!
Gonzo presses another button, and immediately says that the thing he's just turned over to is his favourite. So, what is it?
Various people: Look, up in the clouds! It's a duck! It's a blimp!
Gonzo: No, it's Super Gonzo!
And he holds a nearby rug behind him as if it was a superhero cape, and jumps into the TV! Whatever kind of superhero film or TV show was actually coming on, we won't get to see it, because Gonzo is the star now, as all the other babies crowd around the TV to watch, Animal shouting out "Super Gonzo!" as he does.
The show is even narrated by Gonzo - I'm sorry, "Cluck Kent", from "Muppetropolis". Gonzo isn't meant to be one specific animal, so the chickeny-ness of the name confused me, but I've been informed that the actual Muppet Show has a running joke about Gonzo being attracted to chickens. So, there you go. Being a Clark Kent parody, he is of course a newspaper reporter, for the "Daily Muppet". They're also clearly going for a "comic book" style with the background visuals, including visible Ben Day dots.
So Gonzo is in an office building, I guess the office of the newspaper he works for. He approaches an elevator but can't reach the button to call it - he has to not only climb onto a nearby bin, but then he still can't reach it with his finger, and has to use his long nose to touch it instead! And he still falls off the bin! No sneaky use of his superpowers, then?
Then "Piggy Lane" - hopefully no explanation needed - joins Cluck in the lift.
Narrator Cluck tells us that he's attracted to Piggy but doesn't let it show. Then she says something about being in love, and he immediately starts kissing her hand before she has a chance to say who she's in love with! Her reaction is one of disgust, which is made hilarious when she reveals it's Super Gonzo that she's in love with - she obviously doesn't suspect anything about them being the same person!
Just as Cluck is anguishing about not being able to tell her his secret, there is a problem with the lift! The floor counter goes all the way past the highest number - 187, and if there's a reason behind that number I don't know it - the cable snaps, and the lift starts to plummet!
Piggy, of course playing the "damsel in distress" role here, starts to panic, and Cluck says he'll go up on top of the lift and try to stop it. But he has no way of reaching it, and he asks Piggy for a boost - with the same "Hi-YA!" as her adult self, she throws him up through the roof of the lift, making a hole in it! So far, she seems more like she's got superpowers than he does!
On top of the lift, Cluck starts to say "this is a job for" in proper superhero style, starts to open his trenchcoat - and a little chick bounces out. OK then. Then he takes it off properly, revealing the Super Gonzo outfit underneath, complete with cape and SG logo! He briefly turns all big and muscly as he cries out his name, but then goes back to Gonzo shape again for some reason.
Super Gonzo bravely flies up, grabs the broken cable, pulling on it to slow the lift's fall - and then he falls back down through the roof of the lift, making another hole! Super Gonzo does not seem so Super... Still, once Super Gonzo lifts Piggy into his arms and she realises that Super Gonzo is here to save her, she forgets all her worries, repeatedly kissing him on the nose! He is of course delighted, but quickly points out she's preventing him from stopping the elevator - at which point it promptly crashes into the ground!
The doors open, though, and Piggy seems unharmed, and thanks Super Gonzo for saving her! There's no apparent sign of him, though... because he's flattened underneath her. He excuses himself, seemingly dazed, and flies away, as she calls out his name. Why is he in such a hurry to get away from the one who loves him so much? Well, of course, it's because he unfortunately still needs to play the role of Cluck. As Piggy realises she forgot about him, he drops back into position in the lift from above, right on cue!
Piggy tells Cluck about how Super Gonzo came to save her while Cluck achieved nothing, and this of course frustrates Cluck - he decides he's going to have to tell her the truth. Just as he starts to, though, the whole place starts shaking, like there's an earthquake! Cut to the nursery, where Animal has started jumping up and down on the TV, yelling "Boring! Boring!" It's never a good idea for a TV show to start criticising its own content as boring - a harsher critic than me might just be tempted to agree with it!
Side note: I'm really not sure where we are in terms of the reality-to-fiction scale right now. Piggy Lane is visible on the TV screen, but the real Gonzo is amongst the babies watching it! Maybe the latter is just an animation error.
Speaking of reality-to-fiction, Animal then crawls into the TV, as Kermit yells for him to come back! And then Piggy and Cluck encounter a gigantic Animal, looking into the office's window upside-down from on top of the building, and yelling "new story"! Cluck - or Gonzo, whatever - gets annoyed that Animal is interrupting his story, as Animal reaches into the building and grabs Piggy! Well, he has certainly made the story his own now.
Cluck rushes outside the building, where other people are running around screaming due to the giant monster. Piggy screams, "Let me go, you Animal!", which is reminiscent of comic book monsters like the Hulk that also took their names from words people happened to use to describe them the first time they appeared.
So Cluck approaches a phone box, obviously planning to do the classic Superman costume change routine in there - but Fozzie is already inside, on a phone call! In a bit of a fourth wall break, Fozzie tells him to wait by saying "hold your cape on", even though he isn't Super Gonzo right now so only the Fozzie outside the story would know that he's a superhero. Whew.
Fozzie is busy telling jokes to his agent, Bernie, apparently.
Fozzie: What do you get when you cross a blueberry with a pancake? Ready? Blueberry pancakes!
From the phone comes the sound of a whole crowd booing, and a tomato works its way down the line and throws itself at his face! That's the cartooniest part of this cartoon!
Piggy is still screaming for help, though, as Animal Kong carries her up a building. Fozzie flees the phone booth, so Cluck is finally able to jump in and change into Super Gonzo! Then he charges at the phone booth door - and is unable to open it. Really, really not that Super. A few more attempts, and all he's managed to do is tip the phone box over. Then comes my favourite joke of the episode, as we cut back to the random bystanders.
Various people: Look, up there! No, it's a plane! It's a chicken! Nah, it's just a telephone booth.
And Super Gonzo is flying along, still with the phone box around him! He can fly but he still can't break out of it!
Piggy is still calling for help, and Gonzo is shouting back that he'll save her - but then the phone starts ringing! He stops to answer, and the operator tells him he needs to pay!
Various people: Please deposit twenty-five cents for the first three minutes or fifty miles, whichever comes first.
Super Gonzo: Uh, gee, I don't have twenty-five cents.
Various people: Oh, I'm sorry, this flight will have to be disconnected.
And the phone booth starts plummeting to the ground! This, all of this, is genius.
The phone booth buries itself in the pavement, and the roof of it curls open like a tin can with a ring-pull, finally freeing Super Gonzo. He flies up, frees Piggy from Animal's grip, and deposits her on the Daily Muppet building's roof. But it's not quite a happy ending yet, because Animal still needs to be stopped!
So Gonzo flies further up, to an antenna that's on the top of the building. This is a newspaper, right? Not a radio or TV news tower? He breaks the antenna off the building and then snaps it in half, an action that reminds me of what Animal did to that chair leg all the way back near the start of the episode.
Super Gonzo flies around the giant Animal, Animal trying to grab him, again in a King Kong-like way. Gonzo reaches the top of Animal's head, and starts drumming on it, using the antenna halves as drumsticks! The irony!
But then Piggy tells him to look out, pointing at something off-screen.
Super Gonzo: Oh no! The only thing I'm powerless against! Green krypto-socks!
You see, because for Superman it's green kryptonite - but in this case, it's Nanny, with her stripy green socks! She's even bigger than Animal, and Gonzo falls out of the sky. Animal starts happily chanting "Green socks! Green socks!" as we fade back to reality, revealing that Animal, Piggy, and Gonzo were all standing on top of the TV, and Gonzo is falling off it!
Kermit and Piggy shut Animal up once again, as Nanny tells them all that Officer Carruthers has called, and Fozzie realises that phone call wasn't really from his agent. So, they heard the real phone call and incorporated it into the fantasy? Who knows at this point?
Scooter: He's gonna come over and handcuff us!
Skeeter: And take us away to the station!
Rowlf: Or the dog pound!
But actually, it's good news this time - he called to say he's leaving for work, so the babies can make as much noise as they want now! They all look delighted!
All of the babies prepare to make as much noise as they want, asking each other if they're ready, and on Kermit's command, "Let's do it!", they... all fall asleep, clearly exhausted by all the playing they've already been doing! All of them, that is, except Animal, who's left laughing to himself, still wide awake! What sort of baby are you, Animal?
